On a beautiful night in Perth, Australia, a fellow bereaved mom and artist wrote “Zachary” in the sand and captured this moment for me. I received this piece of artwork today and I had to share my thoughts.
Grief is a long, dark, and hard personal journey. My heart has been aching lately with the thought of this eternal pain and grief. It has been drowning me again as it did in the early days. The loss. The pain. The never ending journey to more time since I had him in my arms. It’s inundating to think about forever without him. No more good night kisses, belly laughs, hugs or time.
Since the New Year, I have been searching for a light in this darkness. I have been delving into reading and listening to grief books about what to try to gain some tools in this journey. In this journey, Reading and writing have given me space to breath for a moment. It has allowed a little pressure to release. Lately, It wasn’t enough. I needed something that I couldn’t speak.
When I saw this artwork, I found it. The pressure released just a little. The weight of this backpack of heavy loss was lifted, if even for a moment. That’s the thing I have learned. Grief is not fixed, it is carried. Every waking moment it will be yours. Looking for moments where the weight is lifted gives you respite to continue to journey.
This piece says to me. He is light. He is peace and beauty like the twilight on a beach. He name is impermanent written in sand but his soul is the colors of the sky and the steadfast star. Beauty and permanence of his spirit.
This is for me. A gift to myself in grief. The weight remains daily but it is in moments like this that I can see lightness return. I can almost see my blue eyed boy and all the beauty his spirit brings to this world even if the physical body was impermanent.
I love you Zachary and miss you more than words.