I need a little Christmas

Christmas 2017 is in the books. Great time with family and friends being joyous and thankful. Christmas joy is mirrored by ache in my heart. Seeing Grace excited about Santa and all our little traditions: the advent calendar, calling the North Pole, decorating the tree and Josie, hanging stocking, the Elf on the shelf, and opening each gift with care and anticipation. It is joy at its purest. Through all this joy, all I can think is what would he be like this year? Would he believe in Santa? Would he want to be a part of our “secret Santa” for her? What gifts would he give and what would he want? What would it be like? Those are questions that make my heart ache because there is no answer.

Our last Christmas together was 2013-2014. Zachary was in kindergarten and had picked out special gifts for his parents that he got at the boys and girls club. When I picked him up, he had a handful of gifts. He wanted to get something for everyone but he settled for me, John, Grace and Kevin (his dad). His gifts for me were wrapped with care and included a cd, a candle and a picture of him with Santa. For john, his gift was so heavy. I couldn’t believe he had lifted it. He told me it was because he really needed this gift. When we opened it, we found it was a car jack. He said it was in case of an emergency for john to get home. John was working in Seattle at the time and always driving. For Kevin, he picked out oven mitts with an Italian chef picture on them. When I asked what he got for Kevin’s wife he looked worried and then said “I know” as he pulled the two mitt apart. “This way they each have one”. My Zachary was always thinking of others and making sure everyone was given a thoughtful gift.

So I think the answers to my questions are as follows:

Zachary would be 10. He wouldn’t believe in Santa anymore but would believe in the magic of Christmas. He would love playing Santa and helping us with all our little traditions of elf on the shelf and the North Pole calls. He would give the gift of love as he always did.

Merry Christmas Zachary! I love you and miss you. Love mom

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