It has been a few months since I have posted on this blog. We are starting to live In this “new normal” situation that we have been given. It is funny how my life is defined by a single moment and split into two very distinct parts; Life before the accident and Life after the accident.
I have been quietly searching for what to say in this blog since the anniversary of that defining day in March. We made it through the first year and we were still breathing. What an accomplishment. The celebration of his life, the candles, the love that shown all around was a mark of completing the first part of this new life. Then, the realization came. Tomorrow you have to begin again and he is still gone.
The mountain that I climbed that first year was a treacherous climb. Not only was a grieving the loss of my beautiful boy, I was fighting for my life. I fought each day to get back some degree of myself back. Although it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, it was a welcomed distraction from the reality of my grief. Now, I have leveled out in my journey to gain my independence back, the grief remains. The gut wrenching, heart pulling, unimaginable loss that is the reality of the death of a child.
As I have continued to fight through this journey, I have found that support of other bereaved parents to be a critical component in my healing. The parent group that no one would volunteer to be a part of and that there is no leaving. The sanctity of being a part of that group is healing and horrible at the same time. The true miracle of the group I am a part of is knowing that I am not alone in this pain. The pain of this group is that everyone is walking their journey because they lost their son or daughter too.
Writing has also been extremely healing for me. This blog began from not wanting to post long drawn out Facebook posts about loss. I wanted a place to capture my emotions and to mark my thoughts now as I walked through my journey. Friends and family have been so supportive on this journey and I can’t thank them enough for all the blessings they have given me.
Tomorrow is a special day in the bereaved parents world. It is a National Day of Hope: Remembering infant and child loss. I didn’t know that when I took tomorrow off from work. We are going to the fair tomorrow with Grace. It is fitting to have a family day at the fair on this special day of remembrance.
One memory of Zachary that is poignant In my mind tonight.
One year, we went to the fair with Zachary. He was so excited to talk to everyone, the reason we called him “the mayor”. He got his first unlimited wrist band so he could ride all the rides he wanted. He rode the merry go round about a thousand times. Then, he looked at me and said “I want one special ride just me and you”. He chose the rock and roll ride which was a fast spinning ride that went forwards and backwards ridiculously fast and he was pushed into me the entire ride. At the end, I was dizzy and he was smiling. He said, “I am glad I am with you mom because that was crazy scary. Let’s do it again”.
Tomorrow, we will remember Zachary tomorrow and everyday. We will ride the rides, see the animals, go on the merry go round a thousand times, talk to all the fair workers, and smile knowing you are there in spirit. I will know that even if this new ride is crazy scary, I am glad I have him to guide me.