Today, I am sitting here thinking about all that has transpired over the past 11 months. How did I get here in just 11 months? I am stronger physically. I walk without a device and keep building more strength each day. I have a new beginning around the corner. We bought a new house with everything we wanted. 4 bedrooms, beautiful lot, room to grow. I am amazed at it all. How come the pain is deeper? Why is it so lonely without him?
People say I have changed. I am a hero. I am an inspiration. None of which I wanted to be. We all have moments that define us or break us. For me, I chose for it to define me and to continue to live. It’s a choice that is mindful everyday.
When I wake up in the morning in that moment between dreams and reality, I forget that he is gone. I breath in assuming I will soon hear him waking up to get the day started. His sleepy body coming down for a good morning hug. Then, my feet hit the floor and it all comes rushing back starting with pain. It shoots through my right foot, then knee, then hip as I struggle to start moving. I move slowly to the bathroom to shower and get ready. Reality hits. He is gone. He has been gone for all most a year. I get mad that I forgot and even madder that I remembered. Those moments are peaceful and I hate when they are gone but it is horrible to relive it each day.
And on it goes…
The one year mark is ringing in my ears. How is that true when I relived it this morning? I can still hear him, feel him, smell him. How is this true? The pain is unimaginable. It could drown you in the what if’s or if only’s. I chose to try to make it mean something. I have been blessed to have support from family, colleagues, friends and even strangers that is breathtakingly beautiful. I know that I am stronger today then I was yesterday.
I went to a support group this past week and met the most wonderful parents who have experienced the same loss. Listening to their stories was painful but it made me feel better knowing I am not the only one. Having women who are walking with you in the same grief journey helps. It makes me feel like I am part of a community and not so alone in these thoughts and in this pain.
Today, I am holding on. The floor is underneath my feet and I am moving forward. I fear the days when the floor drops out and it feels like you are free falling into a dark hole with no way out. The triggers that I know will make it happen.
Cleaning out his room.
Donating his things.
Closing his bedroom door for the last time.
The floor will drop out. The tidal wave will hit and I don’t know what to expect but I know I will survive and I have support to walk again.
Life keeps moving ahead strong and I’m holding on. I will be stronger to carry this grief someday. For now, I just keep small goals in mind to appreciate each moment for what it is, good or bad. The mornings still hurt but I’m grateful for that one moment each day.